The Elephant In The Room

Asking God the Hard Questions

By Nancy, Elisia’s Grammy

Dear God,

I thought I knew You. I’ve been walking with You all of my life. You have blessed me and my family in many ways over the years. Times have not always been easy. But even in the hard times you have demonstrated Your hand of blessing. You have provided a way when there was no way. You have led us and cared for us. You have protected and healed us.

I know You said that there will be tribulation in this world. Suffering, even. You didn’t promise a life of ease or wealth or health.

But this?

I tried to be faithful. I spent time with you almost every day.  Sitting with You, soaking in Your Word. We pray for our children and grandchildren daily. That they would know You, love You, and walk with You all of their lives.  That You would protect them from sin, from the distractions and temptations of the world, from physical sickness or injury.

And now this?

So, Father, I am trying to figure this out. I know you are faithful, just, and full of compassion. How can I reconcile Your love with this horrible tragedy that happened to our sweet Elisia, to Joshua, and to our family? Why did you allow this to happen?

These are questions that flooded my mind in the days and weeks following the accident that took our 13 year old granddaughter’s life, in a field at her home, on an early spring-like April afternoon, the day after Easter. I had questions for the God I thought I knew. And I didn’t want to push them aside. I wanted answers.

Below you will find my personal journal entry dated 5/12/22, about 3 weeks after the accident. I share it with some fear and trepidation, for it is the laying bare of a very tender part of my heart. But I feel compelled to share it. Maybe there is one who may be helped by this simple blog entry. Maybe there is a parent, friend, daughter, son, or grandparent who is looking up to Heaven and asking WHY? Where is God when the unspeakable happens?  Can God really be trusted? Or maybe there is someone who is hearing whispers of the worst fears of every parent, What if this happened to my child?

I do not have all the answers. I am still at the beginning of a new journey with God, rebuilding trust at a deeper level than I knew existed before, one step at a time. God is not required to explain Himself to me. But I suspect there are some things He would like to teach me along the way.

From My Journal, Thursday, 5/12/22, 5:30 am: Woke up early, recounting the accident in my mind. Sadness. Tears. How could this happen? I don’t feel angry. I’m resigned, yet not fully accepting–

Immanuel.

I believe You were with Elisia and Joshua as they played that day, laughing, riding down the gentle hill. Then the turn, the toppling, the crying out…

When the angels came to bring Elisia to You, did they comfort Joshua? Did they calm him, tell him it was going to be OK? Did that boy feel Your arms around him? He knew Elisia was gone, even though his leg was trapped on the opposite side of the ATV, and he could not see her. And I told him, “She’s not dead. She’s going to be OK.” Because in my heart and mind I thought, “God, You were with them the whole time. We believe Your Word when You say You will never leave us or forsake us. We prayed every day that You would protect our grandchildren. Praying for each one by name, in birth order. Each one a precious blessing from Heaven. And now one was dead, and another was trapped with his leg under a piece of machinery, scared and alone for 15 minutes–a lifetime–one life lost, one forever changed–many forever changed.

So…where were You, Lord?

I believe You are love. You love these children. You love their parents. You love all of us. You love me. I remember many years ago, when You protected Dan and me on a snowy, slippery highway, a tractor-trailer just ahead losing control and swerving into our path.  You reached down and steadied it, pushing it back into its lane.  You did that to protect us that day. So why didn’t You take just one finger and steady that ATV to keep it from toppling–to preserve the life of Elisia and prevent this tragedy? I know You could have. But You didn’t.

Someone said this was a senseless tragedy. I DO NOT believe that. It must make sense to You. It must fit in with Your plan. It must be redeemable somehow.  It did not just happen. Your attention was laser-focused on these kids every moment of that day. You were there. You are here weeping with me this morning.

 

It’s not like You’re a stranger, Lord. I have walked with You for most of my life. I know You, and You know me. I just don’t understand.

So, Lord, it would seem that I am faced with a choice. Either I believe You, or I don’t. Either I trust You, or I blame You. Either Elisia is with You, or she is not. And if we are on our own, we are forsaken, miserable, without hope.

“There is none like You, O LORD, You are great, and Your name is great in might.”  Jeremiah 10:6

 

So I choose to trust You. I choose to believe in Your goodness and love. I’m turning to You, and opening my hands to receive all that You have to give me today — even suffering and pain. You are my God.

 

Thank You Lord–

You don’t forsake us, ever.

You sent your angels to gently scoop Elisia up and bring her quickly and mercifully to You. She is perfectly loved and safe in the palm of Your hand.

You comforted Joshua and are healing him and making Him strong.

You sent an eagle that day in the field, and a warm sunbeam to shine on our heads as we bowed at the grave, to show us You are with us and Elisia is with You.

You are bringing, gathering, loving, and walking with Your children through this valley, and  inspiring a sacrifice of praise to You.

May Your purposes be fulfilled in each and every heart. Including mine.

Help me rebuild faith. Help me to trust You still. Trust You strong. Trust You deep.

I love You and I know that You love me.

Let’s start there…