It seems that in our society one of our chief occupations is to find controversy in just about everything. Case in point, recently in October we celebrated Columbus Day, or at least, many of us did. However, those more politically correct than I, appear to enjoy questioning and reexamining history. They, point out that Columbus was perhaps not as a nice a guy as commonly depicted and did much harm to the native population of the New World. The growing proposition is that perhaps he ought be stripped of a day on which he should be remembered with a national holiday. On the other hand there are those practical citizens that wisely point out that the critical pundits of society miss the point. Columbus Day is not about celebrating the life of Columbus but about having a holiday in the month of October. Think about it, how long can we go without a three day weekend? Consider the devastation on our economy if we were deprived of the opportunity to hold Columbus Day sales.
Now, this critical element of society is not as impractical as you might think. Generally, they are not opposed to the idea of having a holiday and suggest we can substitute something else instead. But this trend to debunk history and change holidays is nothing new. Consider how Washington’s and Lincoln’s Birthday’s ceased to be holidays and the more generic President’s Day appeared. Who did the Father of Our Country and the Preserver of the Union offend? So I guess it was bound to happen. Columbus does not have enough of a fan club any more. But with what should we replace his day? Here we have no end to suggestions which mostly revolve around ethnicity. Italian Americans want to keep Columbus Day, Native Americans want a Native American Day, Scandinavian Americans want Leif Erikson Day, and I don’t know what I want. Most hard working Americans just want a paid holiday added on to our weekend. After all, it’s a long time between Labor Day (when we celebrate children being born) and Thanksgiving (when we celebrate the official start of the holiday shopping season).
Why all this emphasis on ethnicity anyway? Evidently we can’t be satisfied just being Americans. But seemingly that is not possible; just consider our best source of information today—TV commercials. There we are informed of the near tragic story of the man who lived much of his life thinking he was of German descent, only to find out upon having his DNA tested he was not German at all but Scottish. We are left to imagine the devastation as this must have had on his life. He had to turn in his lederhosen for kilts and learn to River Dance. And this apparently is not the only person that has suffered this affliction of celebrating an incorrect heritage. Thankfully we have the advent of DNA testing so we can correct these injustices. Who know what harm would be caused if someone goes unchecked through life celebrating an incorrect personal heritage. We shudder at the thought. I foolishly question what injury that would cause, but that’s just me.
But I digress. What to do with Columbus Day? Should we keep it and just add a plethora of other holidays to go satisfy the many ethnic groups that make up our nation? Who could be in opposition to more paid days off? But then, too much of a good thing might prove, well, too much. While we might welcome more four day work weeks, we must consider, how many Fall sales can our pocketbooks endure? Besides, at my age I have enough days to keep track of. We could just declare an all inclusive holiday and to avoid offending anyone just call it Day Off Day, but that name might be thought to be too bland and after all a successful holiday must have a catchy name. So after much thought I came up with a solution. Why don’t we just keep the holiday we already have and change the name to Columbo Day (which is what I call it anyway). Those who want to be purists can still think of the famous explorer (Columbo is actually closer to the Italian spelling of the name than Columbus) while the rest of us can enjoy the day off without controversy. I mean who can object to an Italian American detective portrayed by a one-eyed Jewish actor wearing a well-worn trench coat?
Columbo Day would offend no one. It even would be a boost to the economy. Good Will and Salvation Army stores would finally have a market for all those trench coats that have been donated over the years. People would have reason to walk around slightly hunched over, waving a piece of paper saying, “Just one more thing!” In fact, this could even be more exciting than Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day, aarr. It would even get people’s minds off the fact that they are not what they thought they were when getting back their ancestry results (Are any of us what we really think we are?).